Encounters with life

Encounter is such a word which brings a picture of people fighting and something which is in chaos; each one tensed and just tries to come to the solution but doesn’t know about the fate of the intense situation. This is what the general perception of people for the so called encounter. But intense battle of life with self creates some different pictures. Colours of such pictures are pale and deem. Continuously struggling with the situations with no hope of ending with brightness. Each moment brings different thought and shackles the ground of life.

I feel no wonder of being encountered everyday. It was the day when I lost my title of Princess; I think it was the starting of series of encounters in my life. Lost the ground and when I looked in the sky find myself alone, suddenly my world was changed. Those tiny but very important talks remained unfulfilled. Those hands used to come on my chicks to make me feel child, the lap which can not be replaced by any luxurious bed and those eyes in which I was shining, still create the encounters.

One day my dream shattered and I became roofless. Suddenly I found myself at the circle which has got many roads but no one was for me. I stood still and was just seeing passersby being numb. I was wordless, everyone was moving with the winds but I realized wind was against me.

Hands on which I relied, have made me paralyzed. I know those hands would never come to hold me when I will fall down. In fact, it was my illusion that I’ll be hold when ditch will come on the way, in reality I was never be hold in, it was me who gave my hands and in turn my hand remained up in the air and my eyes kept waiting. I wanted to feel my beauty in those eyes but those eyes were empty because they have never looked his beauty in my eyes. When I came to know about the reality I felt as again I was slept by time.

It is like everyday I face new encounter and give myself hope of new life. Struggling with self is hard because one knows where s/he stands and can not cheat the self. It’s horrible to witness the situations and more than that it becomes intolerable when no way of escape is there. But, it’s never ending series of encounters and I don’t know how long it will last. I’m just on the way which is full of such encounters and the biggest thing is that I’m not learning anything form my mistakes and still being an emotional fool.

In search of self

I like my father’s habit of reading. It’s his very good quality. Yesterday he brought around 15 books from a book fair which is a rare occasion in Jamnagar. He reads highly philosophical book. Same quality I have inherited from my father.

Initially I was not fond of reading and found reading boring. Someone suggested me The Fountainhead, I read it and I fall in love with Ayn Rand’s philosophy which every one can not digest. I found my thinking in her words and myself in her characters. My friend CD got much credit in my reading habit. When he came to know that I read The Fountainhead, he started giving me books to read. All these books are of little high level.

Reading helped me a lot in understanding the things which are happening in my surrounding and also in my life. It’s an unseen force which drives me towards myself. I understood myself in better way; I came to understand my psychology as well as of people in my group. It created greater awareness in me about me. It gives me the direction towards my dreams; it has awakened me from unconscious state of mind. I got the meaning of my being here on this earth. It makes me think bit differently and also build my personality. The world is full of mysteries and at each juncture of our life we meet different kind of people, all these have their own set of psychology from which they themselves are unaware. Reading has become my hobby; I don’t need other person to share my views with as I found it in the book. I enjoy as I feel someone is there who thinks like me. It’s a light house for my lone journey in this big ocean called the world. It’s helping me in my search of self. But I really feel bad that I can not dedicate all the time for reading.

It wont remain free forever

It’s very true that we don’t value the things which we get in free. We get Air in free, that’s why never valued it and today we all are talking about global warming and landing our generation in a danger atmosphere.

We don’t care for someone’s love as we are getting it without paying and slowly we cultivate the habit of becoming TAKER. As I said in my earlier blog “Jamsaheb” I always remained taker in front of my mother. I took her love granted, I thought I would get it always but sometimes we enjoy with myth and today I can not take even a single drop of love from Ocean of her love. I scream for it but there is no meaning of it. I realized after losing her that whatever I want to do I need to do it at the same time and should not wait for right time to come. In professional life there is a thing called Right Time but in personal life scenario is totally different.

Life is a flow, everything is changing and I can not take things granted and also I can not hold the situations in my hand because I understand the words of Ayn Rand “Hands do perspire when hold for too long” from Fountainhead. But yes I can become GIVER and I’m happy when I bring smile on someone’s face. It makes me feel good when someone says “By talking to you I got new direction of life and I’m confident”. I don’t want to be the richest person but I want to feel wealthiest by making my surrounding happy. Giving has it’s own charm. We expect to be loved but we are so selfish that we can not speak even a single word of love to make other’s happy. We want to dream for better Materially Happy future but we don’t bother to bring new rays of Hope in our people’s eyes.

I observed that this creates elusions in other’s minds, they start taking things granted and it hurts me a lot when people take my love granted. My emotions are not the things which I sell for free. It is associated with my conscious and it drives my life. It’s strength of my nerves and reason of becoming positive. These sorts of experiences are changing my attitude and I want to change myself because now I want to remove the tag of Emotional Person from my crown. I’m happy that I’m becoming particle. I started giving priorities in relations, caring only those who care for me. It was just a speed breaker on my NH-7. Really I am very much Happy with this change in life because now no one has right to take my feelings granted and now my emotions wont remain free forever!